The Dragon Bake

Find ovens wherever you can

Pretty much every abandoned castle has two things: a crazy dragon, and a princess who's been cast out by her parents for some ridiculous reason (really just bad parenting there). This is the story of one of those castles and one of those women.

Since she could remember, Esther was locked in a tower and guarded by a fierce dragon, but she had no idea why. She faintly remembered being put their by her parents, but she hadn't seen them in years. She befriended all the animals, and generally spent her day hanging out and talking to squirrels. In her heart she knew that she was descending into madness. 

Every time she attempted to escape, the dragon would spit fire at her. Some brave knights had attempted to save her, but they found themselves incompetent and were quickly burned to a crisp. She knew it was up to her to get out of this mess. 

One night, she gathered her council of woodland creatures and hatched a plan. She told the squirrels to bring her flour, the mice to get her some butter, the iguanas to get her some sugar, the bugs to get her some sugar, and the chickens to lay her some eggs. All was done as she bid, and she mixed everything together into a dough. A cookie dough. A giant ball of cookie dough.

That night, she grabbed the ball and ran from her tower. As expected the dragon attacked her, and she threw the dough in its face. The dough instantly baked into a cookie when it hit the dragon's fire. The dragon ate it. It was so good. He was so happy and satisfied that he let her get on his back and fly to her parents' castle where she had them arrested for child endangerment and she abolished the monarchy. Hooray for cookies. 

Three Cookies, a Frog, and a Crown

Where there are cookies, there are friends

A frog was hanging out in the pond one day when he noticed a really sad dude chilling on the bank. "What's your deal?" asked the frog. A little startled at a talking amphibian, the guy jumped back. "Relax, I am a frog and this is my pond and it's all going to be fine," assured the frog. 

"Oh, well okay. I dunno man, I'm just super bummed lately nobody wants to hang out and it's really boring."

"Yeah that's hard, I'm a frog and a lot of times nobody will talk to me because it's beyond the laws of nature but what can you do?" the frog replied.

"I guess." mumbled back the dude.

"I tell you what, on every night there's a full moon, bring me a cookie and I promise you you'll have more friends than ever on the fourth full moon."

"That's like, forever."

"Just shut up please and bring me the cookies as I say."

The man figured he had nothing better to do on nights when there was a full moon, and if talking frogs were real, perhaps this whole thing could work out. For the next few lunar cycles, the man dutifully fulfilled his promise to the frog. On the night of the third full moon, the frog instructed him that the next time he visits to not bring anything.

Now, the guy was pretty mad because still nobody was calling on him, still nobody was swiping his doorway, and he was still super depressed and starting to be a little annoying actually. But still, he did as he was bid by the frog and returned the next evening. After all he did say the fourth full moon. 

"Frog, what is your problem? This isn't working!" yelled the guy. The frog didn't seem to care and went to go rummage for something in his house. He returned with the three cookies the man had brought.

"What?! I thought you were going to do some magic moon voodoo, what the hell, man?!"

"Take these cookies and go into the town square and tell some strangers that you have cookies to share, and you shall have your friends, your plans, and your whatever. And then I won't have to deal with your complaining ever again."

"Genius!" the man screamed as he took the cookies into town. He shared two of them with some townspeople he'd seen around and they all became the best of friends. He was keeping the last one for himself, but then he saw a beautiful princess and shared it with her so they got married and now he's the richest most powerful man in all the land. 

It's because of the cookies.


The Great Cookie Wars of Old

A harrowing tale of love, cookies, and the overthrow of the feudal system

Once upon a time, like way back in the day, there were two kingdoms. One of them was ruled by a good king and everybody liked him. The other one was ruled by this okay dude that lacked any real experience in running a country, but had inherited the throne from his super-rich dad. Anyway, they hated each other because they were both trying to hook up with this high-maintenance princess.

One thing lead to another and a massive war broke out between the two kingdoms to win her hand in marriage. The kings forced all the serfs to fight because that's just how they did things back then and they were all really pissed about it. The serfs decided to take matters into their own hands and baked thousands of cookies. They delivered them to each of the kings claiming they were a true and final declaration of love from the princess. 

The kings devoured the cookies in celebration assuming they were victorious. Word spread throughout the land, and finally reached the princess. Greedily, she requested some of her own from each of the kings, knowing neither would refuse her. But, they did—the cookies were that good. Enraged, she vowed never to speak to either of them again, but they were both kind of over her anyway. The cookies had restored peace to the land and the serfs eventually founded a democracy and abolished the feudal system entirely. Thanks be to the cookies.

The Legend of Cookie Legends

The origin story of the stories

A long time ago, a lot of people were hungry. They weren't starving, but they needed a little something. It was probably around 4:00 or so — you know? The minutes went by and the people grew hungrier. They grew more tired. They became angry. And by 4:30, it looked as if they'd have to wait until dinner for the misery to end. "Dinner could be like ... two hours!" one of them cried to the heavens. 

As their shout hit the clouds, a great light appeared, and from this light came a rain of cookies. The people rejoiced. And when the light vanished there was a mythical English bulldog amidst the cookies. In his jaws he held a book, which he laid at the shouting man's feet. This was the good book. It was full of cookie legends, which have been exclusively procured here, and which will be shared for your enlightenment. The Cookie Legends will never die.